For most people, this time of year is a cosy reminder that Christmas is coming. But for me — and for many others — this time of year used to fill me with dread.
It’s September. The leaves start to turn, the kids go back to school, and already the whisper of Mariah Carey is on the wind. I spot the first chocolate selection boxes stacked high in the supermarket. I smile to myself – I’m still in flip-flops, nowhere near ready for sweaters, let alone thick padded coats.
But the shops don’t wait. Flip-flops are out, boots are in. Selection boxes fight for space with Halloween in the seasonal aisle. Picnic sets are on sale, cheap cheap.
Shall I dare to mention Christmas? With an abuser in the home, it never ended well. The “favourite holiday season” becomes a minefield. No matter what is planned, what gifts are chosen, or who is invited – every effort, large or small, will be sabotaged. You buy all the food, and suddenly they’ve booked tickets for a hotel or pub meal. You plan a gathering, and they find a way to ruin it.
The dread keeps building. By December, it’s a full emotional blizzard. And that’s Christmas under coercive control.
It’s easy for outsiders to ask, “Why don’t they just leave?” But leaving is not a simple answer. There are ties that bind: fear of losing the children, fear of violence if they try to go, shame, money, and isolation. Some think, “I can’t leave, this house is mine, I pay the mortgage.” Others know divorce costs money they don’t have. Many believe, “If I try to leave, he will kill me.” For most, staying feels safer than leaving, even when every day is lived on eggshells.
An abuser keeps your mind focused on them 24/7. It is purposeful, designed to disorientate and to stop you from thinking clearly enough to see the exit sign. That is the trap of coercive control.
This is the part that most people never see. On the surface it’s mince pies and fairy lights, but behind the front door the pressure is mounting. Children arrive at school withdrawn, exhausted, or suddenly acting out. Colleagues at work are distracted, more anxious than usual. A parent at the school gate may confide with a nervous laugh that things are “a bit much at home.”
These moments matter. They are often the cracks where a disclosure slips through. It might come out quietly in the staff room, in a GP appointment, or in a hurried conversation at the gate. Sometimes it is a direct cry for help, other times it is hidden in body language or behaviour.
The truth is that disclosures rarely arrive neatly packaged. They appear in ordinary places, at unexpected times, and often land with people who feel unprepared.
When a disclosure happens, the response matters more than most people realise. The safest place to begin is simple: “I believe you. I’m so sorry you are going through this.” From there, you can gently ask, “What have you considered to move away from this?” and offer options without pressure. You might say, “Have you thought about contacting Refuge or Women’s Aid for advice? Do you feel able to speak with the police? You don’t have to decide today, but you don’t have to face this alone.”
A careless comment, disbelief, or a rushed reaction can retraumatise the person speaking. It can also leave the staff member or colleague who hears it carrying a heavy emotional burden with no support.
If you need immediate support its 999
These services can help:
- Refuge – 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline
- Women’s Aid – support, advice, and local services
- SafeLives – information and resources on domestic abuse
That is why trauma-informed practice is essential. Whether you are a teacher, a nurse, a receptionist, or a manager, you may one day be the person who hears a disclosure. You don’t have to be a safeguarding lead to respond safely. What you do in that moment can make the difference between someone feeling believed and supported, or shutting down and never speaking again.
This is the reason I created Handling Trauma Disclosures with Confidence. It is CPD that equips every member of staff to respond calmly, ethically, and without retraumatisation. It helps teams feel prepared instead of overwhelmed, and it protects organisations from risk while supporting survivors with dignity.
👉 Handling Trauma Diclosures with confidence
As Christmas approaches, we will see more people treading on eggshells, more children caught in the middle, more colleagues struggling quietly. If we are ready to listen, we must also be ready to respond.